If you are divorced or getting divorced, or if you have any type of child custody dispute, take 5 minutes to answer these 5 questions to evaluate how well you and your child(ren) will fare this Holiday Season.
1) It is November 15th and Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away. This year your ex has the children for Thanksgiving. Choose the answer that best describes your reaction:
a. I HATE it when I don’t have the kids for Thanksgiving. I KNOW they will run wild, not get any sleep and be sick when they come home next week. In fact, Susie looks a little pale; she may be catching something. I should go ahead and let Bill know the kids can’t go with him because Susie is sick.
b. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday of the year, but since the kids won’t be here I will probably just stay home and watch television or something. There is no point in cooking for just me and I really don’t like to be a fifth wheel when I go to my sister’s house.
c. I love Thanksgiving; it is the beginning of the holiday season. Since the kids are with Bill, I am planning to spend the holiday with my sister and her family. Cathy and I can have John watch the baby so we can be at the mall when it opens. I can get so much more Christmas shopping done when Bill has the kids.
2) Thanksgiving is tomorrow; you have been cooking for two days and you plan to serve lunch at noon. Your ex calls you to see if she can bring the kids at 3:00 instead of 10:00 so that they can participate in a neighborhood parade. Choose the answer that best describes your reaction:
a. No way is she cutting into my holiday time. I have cooked and slaved and those kids will be at my table at noon.
b. If she wants to do that she might as well keep them for the whole day because they obviously have more fun when they are with her.
c. It doesn’t really matter what time we eat; if they don’t get here until 3:00, we can move dinner to 4:30. That will make Dad happy because it will be half-time about then. I hope they bring me some good pictures of the parade.
3) You and your new boyfriend are planning to go to his parents’ home for Thanksgiving dinner; you have not yet met them. Your youngest develops a sore throat and fever on Tuesday night; you are supposed to drop the children off with their father on Wednesday, but he doesn’t really like to take them when they are sick. Choose the answer closest to what you will do:
a. Call your ex and tell him he is taking his son whether he wants to or not; let him know that you have always stepped in to play nursemaid when anyone in the house was sick. You are careful to remind him that you missed your office retreat last fall when Jimmy had the flu, and tell him it is your turn to do what you want to do for a change.
b. You take your child to the doctor Wednesday morning; have a prescription called in to the pharmacy; rush to pick up the prescription. While you are at Walgreen’s, pick up Puff’s Tissues with aloe vera, Vick’s VapoRub, throat lozenges in three flavors and two extra vaporizers in case someone else in the house gets sick. When you drop your children off, provide their father with a detailed list of instructions and emergency numbers. Offer to cut your trip short on a moment’s notice if he calls you on your cell. Tell him to let it ring two times, then hang up and call back because you don’t want to interrupt the Thanksgiving meal unless it is an emergency.
c. Meet at the designated place and time. Pack plenty of comfortable clothes in case Jimmy has to stay inside to play; maybe send a favorite book or toy. Kiss Jimmy goodbye. Leave an emergency number with your ex in case he needs to reach you when you are out of town.
4) Your ex is flying home for the holidays. It is his year to have possession from the time school lets out through Christmas Eve. You have planned to go home to visit your parents and your flight leaves right after you drop your daughter off at school. His meeting schedule has been delayed and he calls to let you know his fiancée will be picking up your daughter at “6:00 p.m. or so” and will be bringing her to the airport to meet him. Choose the answer closest to your response:
a. You call your best friend and tell her, “My daughter is not getting into the car with that trashy woman! She drives like a maniac and doesn’t even wear a seatbelt. Besides, there isn’t enough room in her new Lexus convertible, which you are paying for with your child support checks. Plus she is always late; probably too busy at the country club to get to school for carpool. If Tracy isn’t important enough to him for him to pick her up himself, then he can forget having her this holiday or any holiday.”
b. You tell him you understand completely. After you hang up, you choke back your tears, call your mom and tell her you can’t come home after all. You are so sorry that she has paid for a non-refundable ticket, but maybe next year it will work out. You wait at home for the fiancée to arrive. When your ex calls from the airport at well past midnight and explains that Kim was tied up and couldn’t make it after all, you offer to pick him up yourself and take him and Tracy to his new condominium on the lake to meet Kim.
c. You let him know that won’t work for your schedule, but since the school is expecting him at 3:40 p.m., when you drop Tracy off in the morning , you give them a note letting them know that Kim is picking her up after school. You leave a message for Kim with the number for the baby sitter you use in a pinch; she can almost always get to school if you give her enough notice. You wish them a Merry Christmas.
5) It is Christmas morning and your ex was supposed to pick up the children by 8:00 a.m. to go to their grandparents’ house and open gifts. You changed your Christmas traditions and had Christmas on Christmas Eve so that she could have the whole day on Christmas. It is nearly 11:00 and your ex knocks on the door. Which comes closest to your response:
a. You tell her exactly what you think, “We have been up and ready since 7:30 a.m. You are so inconsiderate and have always been late. You don’t care one bit about your children and how you have ruined their Christmas. They had to open all their presents last night! It is just like you to ruin everyone’s day! This is why the kids and I don’t want to be with you.”
b. Tears fill your eyes when you hear the knock. You rush to the door, children in tow, fling it open and tell her you were all worried sick. You were positive she was in a terrible accident or she would never have been late; you were wondering if you had the day wrong (again) and are so sorry if that was the case.
c. You make “snowman pancakes” and let the kids top them with powdered sugar; after breakfast you enlist their help in picking up all the wrapping paper and ribbon from the floor. Since it looks like you have some extra time before Mom arrives, you will have time to watch Polar Express once more.
Answer Key:
Mostly a’s:
You are an escalator. Even though the divorce is over, you are still angry and you don’t mind if anyone knows it. Trust me, everyone knows it, including your children, your family, your co-workers, your neighbors, and possibly your dry cleaner.
You will not enjoy the holidays – or any other days – until you can forgive, forget and move on. Even more important, you are alienating your children from most important people in their world, their parents. I use the plural, because children are smart and even if they are angry with the other parent right now; once they figure out what is going on, they will be angry with you.
Mostly b’s:
You are an enabler. You are also a doormat, a martyr and a pushover. You are convinced you are a wonderful person because you always “try to be nice and do the right thing.” Your friends and people around you agree; you are a wonderful person. Eventually, they hope, you will stand up for yourself and set a good example for your children.
Your holidays will be miserable. For the time being everyone will try to include you and attempt to lift your spirits. In a few years people will avoid you like the plague.
Mostly c’s:
You are an exception. Even if you did not want the divorce, you are moving forward with your life in a positive manner. You accept change gracefully and always make the best of every situation.
Your holidays will be storybook perfect and you will ring in the New Year with hope and joy. Your photos will all be flawless and your tree will be awesome. You will probably even lose weight without trying at all.
The truth is that most of us would fall somewhere in between these extremes, with a leaning toward some a’s, some b’s and a few c’s on a good day. For your own sake and the sake of your children, try to move into the “exception” frame of mind.
CONTACT THE BOB LEONARD LAW GROUP 817-336-8500; www.bobleonard.com
CONTACT THE BOB LEONARD LAW GROUP 817-336-8500; www.bobleonard.com
